:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
