I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
