Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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