Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
