I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
