I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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