Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
