This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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