just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
