Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.