everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.