I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
