Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
