I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
