hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
