dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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