you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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