Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
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Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
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The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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