party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i was born a porn star she said
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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