There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
