There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
