**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
