Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
