like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
