I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
