Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
