Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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