totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
