i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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