I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I party with great urgency now.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
