I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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