bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
