there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
