anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
