A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
