I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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