My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
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Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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