Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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