Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
