i need an iv and a liver transplant
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
