Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
