So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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