Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
