You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
