upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
