70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
