Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
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I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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