Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
