Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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