I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
