I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
