Have you finally orgasmed yet?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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