How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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