Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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