I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
