i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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