I heard we made out
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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