Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
