i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
