I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
