I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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