I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
