My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
