Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
