I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Did we literally take a cab across the street
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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